Check profiles if needed.

thankyouverymuch
A1EBookingCommittee
http://www.a1e.ca

The scene is Kemper Arena, home of the... umm, what sports teams play in there again? What? None? Then what the frig is it known for then? Oh... Owen Hart died there? Why would you want to be known for that? Oh well... well, who gives a crap anyway, just watch the friggin' screen.

Roderick McRatrick: Ahh, it's good to be back.

Shady guy: And it's great to have you back.

RMR: What the, who the hell are you?

SG: I'm Wigglytuff McDipoleson.

RMR: Who in the what now?

WMD: Wigglytuff McDipoleson. (before Roderick can reply) Ahh, but names aren't important, I'm your new promo coach.

RMR: Promo coach? What in the frig is that? And where's Squiggy?

WMD: Him? He's in rehab for alcohol and marker sniffing abuse, but that's not important! What's important is, I'm going to teach you how to cut a good promo like everyone else! I mean since you've been gone, you might have lost your touch if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? (again, before he can reply) Good! Great! Grand! Let's start.

RMR: Let's start where?

WMD: Where's not important, it's how. How are you going to become better, just like everyone else, more intense like everyone else, more...

RMR: Generic?

WMD: I'd like to call it homogeneous, but words aren't important, what's important are your words! And you need to deliver them with more intensity. Like instead of trying to be funny and witty, you should be intense and mention how much you trained for the match and say some things about your opponent and stuff like that. Let's try one!

RMR: But...

WMD: No buts about it! Just do it.

RMR: (giving one of these: :b) Okay...

(clears throat)

So Dan Ryan, you think you can beat me? Ha, that's laughable. You don't have the strength or the testicular fortitude to defeat me. I am the greatest wrestler ever. You don't believe me? Just ask anyone in AFXJQWNMGWA, where I held the World, Intercontinental, United States, Television, Hardcore, Twizted, Survival, Pie Eating, Zombie Slaying and Skull-fucking Championships, and where I was a 5-time Tag Team Champion all by myself. I beat guys like Skully McJacobson and "The Terminator" John Dominator. Have you ever beaten competition like that? I don't think you have. Because you're not as good as me. You're not as intense as me.

(takes a drink of water)

I've been training for this match so hard. There's no way you can beat me after I've prepared for this match like I've prepared for no other match. Dan Ryan, you stand no chance, because I am THE BEST!!!!!!1

Now excuse me, I have to go train and then have sex with my girlfriend, who's a model for Victoria's Secret.

(clears throat again and turns to Wigglytuff)

God, I feel like such a tool.

WMD: First, my name's Wigglytuff, not God. Second, that was the most brilliant promo I've ever heard in my life.

RMR: Brilliant? I sounded like every other jabroni in this entire promotion!

WMD: And that's why it's so great! You're finally intense like everyone else! (again, interrupting before Roddy can talk) I mean, now you can fit in and you'll finally make it to the top! You're gonna go places! You're gonna...

RMR: Hey, look, isn't that Vreck Stone?

WMD: Hey! Where?

Mr. McDipoleson turns around and Roderick leaves quickly. The camera stays on the promo coach and he's STILL looking. Roderick peeks back on camera, looks into the camera, and then steals Wigglytuff's wallet. He sneaks off camera again, and then Mr. McDipoleson turns around

WMD: Hey, that wasn't Vreck Stone, that was just Clean Living Jimmy Morm... hey wait? Where'd he go?

Wouldn't you like to know... heh, heh, heh.

WMD: Hey! Who said that? Hello? Hello?

"If you don't have something nice to say, kick 'em in the teeth."



----------------
FADE IN

DAN RYAN on the set of the new hit comedy....

ERRR....wait.

That won't do.

DAN RYAN with some madcap improv actors acting out a scene from Shakespeare's grand comedy....

ERRR....no.

My bad. Wrestling right?

Wrestling.

A backdrop.

A big backdrop.

A1E is emblazoned across the front and in front - DAN RYAN.

He's big. No more description for you. Get a newspaper.

Ryan: "So then."

"I was trying to think of something witty to say, because I thought: Those who have nothing to say that bears any importance to the situation at hand should at least be funny."

"Or at least, that's the route my opponent took this week."

"Last week was such a rousing success, what with my DRAW and all....that it's only fair I do an encore and try to continue my long draw streak against a guy whose name sounds like the younger brother of Master Splinter gone bad."

"I wonder...."

"Would it gain me extra momentum if I chose my opponent's course and simply said nothing in an amusing way?"

"I wonder...."

"Could I strike fear into the hearts of the wrestling community by putting on a little show and talking about idiots....like an idiot?"

"Oh what a witty little tale you set before me, Roderick."

"In fact, it has inspired me to write for you....a haiku."

"Ahem."

"Shut the f**k up."

"Oh my bad. That wasn't a haiku at all."

"Well, I sucked at poetry."

"I'm markedly better at wrestling, so I think I'll just stick to talking about that from here on out."

"I you must waste my time with this crap, go ahead I suppose. Maybe the laughter you bring will warm your heart while recuperating."

"Wait...that last line wasn't original!!"

"Ah well."

FADE OUT....

Our hero zero, Roderick McRatrick, is walking down the hallways of Blue Blazer Memorial Arena (Kemper was always a stupid name anyway), when he bumps into someone from behind.

RMR: Hey, get out of the way! I'm late for my moustache wax... Squiggy?

Yes, the person he bumped into turns around and reveals himself to be Squiggy Jackson, much maligned intern-reporter.

RMR: Squiggy, is that you?

SJ: No, it's John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

RMR: For real? Sorry about that, Mr. Schmidt, funny, cuz that's my name too! Whenever we go out...

SJ: No, you idiot, I'm only kidding. It's Squiggy.

RMR: It's so good to see... no, wait, it's mediocre to... nah that wouldn't work either... I got it! It's so not a catastrophe to see you again! I thought you were in rehab for marker sniffing.

SJ: What the? No, no, who the hell told you that?

WMD: I did!

Wigglytuff McDipoleson appears on screen

WMD: And I'll do it again!

RMR: What the hell are you doing here? I thought you'd have crawled up and died by now, or at least been out on the street after I stole your wallet.

WMD: You stole my what now?

RMR: No, you misunderstood, I didn't say steal your wallet, I said... shaved your mullet. Yeah, that's it.

WMD: YOU SHAVED MY MULLET? I liked my mullet. But not as much as I liked Dan Ryan's last promo. Man, you're going to need my help if you wanna top that!

RMR: Hey! Isn't that Rat over there?

WMD: He is? Where?!

As Wigglytuff turns around, Roderick kicks him in the rear end and sends him flying off camera.

SJ: Who was that?

RMR: Someone shadier than me.

SJ: I never thought that possible.

RMR: I know! I was shocked too.

SJ: And to think I never thought anything would surprise you.

RMR: You'd be surprised.

Squiggy looks at him like he has two heads

RMR: What?

SJ: Nothing. Anyway, I guess you want me to interview you.

RMR: Not really. I just want some baba-ganouj. But yeah, I'll take an interview. With a side of tzatziki sauce though.

SJ: Okay, I guess you heard what Dan Ryan had to...

RMR: Hey, hey, I asked for an interview with a side of tzatziki sauce. Not for you to ask me questions.

SJ: But that's what an interview is, me asking you questions.

RMR: Okay, but how would you like it if I asked you questions? Hmm? Think about that one while I steal your wallet.

SJ: You're not stealing my wallet.

RMR: Damn you! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to steal that Dan Ryan dude's wallet. I'm sure he won't notice. I mean, he doesn't seem to be that smart. In fact, I'd call him an idiot.

SJ: Takes one to know one, right, Roddy?

RMR: Hey, that's... hey look, isn't that Benoitholic Anonymous?

SJ: I'm not gonna fall for it...

WMD: BENOITHOLIC? WHERE?

Wigglytuff rushes back onscreen to where Roderick pointed. In his haste, he bullrushes Squiggy and both men go tumbling to the ground.

RMR: Wow, two birds killed with one stone. Hey, maybe I should keep this McDipolarbear around. If he can take out Squiggy like that, maybe he could just bumrush that idiot before the match, and then get me a few sacks for my fantasy football team... yes, it's all coming together (steeples fingers, a la Mr. Burns). Oh well, off to the bookstore.

SJ: (from the floor) Bookstore, why?

RMR: So I can get the idiot a book on how to write haiku. That and so I can steal some dirty magazines and sell them to 3rd graders.

Roderick walks off camera, whistling to himself, as Squiggy and Wigglytuff get up and dust themselves off.

"Faith is the evidence of things unseen."



- - - - - - -
The far reaching interior of a large ranch house....

Within moments, DAN RYAN enters the frame and slings a bag of belongings onto the couch.

Fresh off of a wonderful house show tour on the East Coast, the moment of relaxation is welcome.

But a moment is all that it is, nonetheless.

Ryan flicks on a light and retreats to his office, noticing a large stack of mail on his desk. Mostly invitations to various independent functions, which he no doubt will be vastly overbooked for.

Something from A1E.

RE: Roderick McRatrick.

"Lucky me..."

After a moment of reluctant paper ripping, a tape is revealed.

"Just as I suspected..."

With a sigh, the tape is inserted into the VCR. Moments into the tape, Ryan is visibly bored and begins to glance out of the window or at various other items in the room.

He hears his name once and glances in the direction of the TV.

And back away.

He hears it again.

And it's over.

For several seconds Ryan doesn't realize that the promo has ended, but soon the loud hissing sound of static reminds him.

"Wow...."

Ryan looks down at his phone and presses some numbers. Moments later a perturbed look crosses his face.

"Stupid answering machines...."

"Nathan Houston I presume. Since you're not there to speak about my problem, I'll keep it brief. I didn't come here to bother with the lower card reject types you keep in curtain jerking roles in this federation. When I've got time for Saturday Night Live skits and cutesy little moments of dialogue having nothing to do with my match or anything else of any value, I'll let you know. When you get serious about my being here, you let me know."

"In the meantime, what happens to Mr. McRatrick is on your hands."

Click...

Back to opponents that mean a damn....

FADE OUT

Roderick McRatrick is back at the Kemper... I mean... what did I rename this arena again? That? Oh yeah, thanks Joby. He's at the Blue Blazer Memorial Arena Player's Club, talking to some guy with bloodshot eyes and a zoned out look on his face. It's a one-sided conversation. In walks our hero, Squiggy Jackson...

SJ: It's about friggin' time I got some recognition for having to put up with him.

You know, there is such a thing as being a sore winner. Didn't your mother ever teach you how to take gratitude gracefully?

SJ: Sorry.

It's cool. Anyway, Squiggy heads his way over to the "conversation"

SJ: (clears throat)

RMR: (unaware) ...so I says to the guy, "You wanna piece of me?" and he's like, "I don't want no piece of you, I want da whole thing" and he pulled out his knife, and I pulled out my knife and it was on and...

SJ: Excuse me, Roderick...

RMR: One second... (turns to Squiggy) What the hell do you want?

SJ: I want to talk about your match with Dan Ryan.

RMR: Who in the what now? Can't you see I'm in the middle of answering Stoney McGanjaman's query?

SJ: And what query was that...?

RMR: I don't know, you tell me.

SJ: I just friggin' got here and I walked into a conversation that had you pulling a kni... wait, did you say his name was Stoney McGanjaman?

RMR: Yeah. You've never met him before?

SJ: WHERE THE HELL DO YOU FIND THESE PEOPLE!

RMR: I pay them to be my friends.

SJ: What?

RMR: I sway them by fixing their split ends.

SJ: That's not what you said.

RMR: But of course it is. Want me to show you the instant replay?

SJ: No you can't it's...

RMR: Oh that's right, I forgot. You always get me on technicalities.

Roddy pulls a red flag from his pants pocket and tosses it halfway across the Player's Club. A *thump* is heard in the foreground.

SJ: What the hell? You just knocked someone out cold. What the hell did you have that loaded with?

RMR: Depleted uranium. Man, I didn't know that would knock out someone like (voice gets louder)Triple X!.

WMD: (off camera) Triple X? WHERE!?!?

Wigglytuff McDipoleson comes rushing on-screen bowling over Squiggy towards where the guy was knocked out. Squiggy dusts himself off and gets back up.

SJ: This just gets weirder and weirder by the second... and did you say you had depleted uranium in that flag?

RMR: What flag?

SJ: The friggin' flag you flung at that flask-drinker.

RMR: Holy alliteration, Batman, you're overloading poor Stoney's brain here.

SJ: I don't care anymore... I just want to get this interview done!

RMR: Did you at least bring tzatziki sauce?

SJ: JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME ASK A FRIGGIN' QUESTION!

Awkward silence, although not as awkward as the time I accidentally told my junior prom date that I had genital warts.

RMR: Okay then... fine, what do you want to know?

SJ: What are your thoughts on the last things Dan Ryan had to say about you?

RMR: Who is Dan Ryan and why should I care?

SJ: Arg.... he's the guy you're wrestling this week!

RMR: Oh, him, him... I thought he was called idiot?

SJ: No, his name is Dan Ryan.

RMR: Well, I didn't catch much of what he had to say, except that I think he's narcoleptic, which plays to my advantage, you know? I'm undefeated against narcoleptics in my career. Did you know that?

SJ: No, I...

RMR: Of course you did, but he also mentioned stuff about jerking his curtain, and that's when I just almost threw up. TMI, my man, TMI.

SJ: I think that's an insider term for being in the opening ma...

RMR: Insider term? Is that like insider trading? Because that's a crime! You know how I know this?

SJ: (sighing) How?

RMR: One time, I started this savings and loa.... err, I mean, I read it on a Snapple cap. You know, those facts are neat-o.

SJ: Right... but I don't think he's into insider trading.

RMR: I bet he is! And I could have him arrested so that he couldn't wrestle, and I'd be awarded the win outright, keeping my undefeated record against narcoleptics intact!

SJ: No, I don't think you understand. He said he doesn't want to deal with scrubs...

RMR: Okay...

SJ: Especially in this match...

RMR: Right...

SJ: Ya know, in this match, against a scrub... he doesn't want that...

RMR: I fail to see where you're going with this.

SJ: Do I have to spell it out for you? HE CALLED YOU A SCRUB!

RMR: Okay, so what does that have to do with me?

Squiggy smacks his forehead

RMR: Aww, Squiggy, don't do that. That's something idiot would do.

SJ: Apparently, I'm the idiot here.

RMR: Well, yeah, but you're not the idiot I'm wrestling. Bes... wait, did you say he said that he didn't want to wrestle me because he didn't want to be bothered by the dregs of the promotion, basically inferring that I was part of those dregs?

SJ: YES! Do you not have an answer for that?

RMR: Of course I do. That means he's forfeiting the match!

SJ: That's it, I'm outta here.

RMR: Okay, but don't forget say goodbye to Stoney, Wigglytuff or Richard Farnswirth before you leave.

WMD: Richard Farnswirth?!?!?!?

Wigglytuff rushes back on camera towards Squiggy. Squiggy oles him and the corpulent promo coach crashes into the bar. Squiggy runs the hell out, while Roderick non-chalantly turns back to Stoney.

RMR: Alright, where was I? Oh yeah, so we pull out our knives and...

"A place for everything and everything in its place."




------
FADE IN

A large oak desk dominates the central view of the scene. Behind this desk, leaning back and looking dead ahead into the camera is DAN RYAN.

In front of him on the desk is a white cylindrical object, about six inches in length.

Strewn about across all parts of the desk are what appear to be the remains of a standard VHS video tape. Strands of tape are bundled up in a few small piles, and the black case is set to the side....six small screws neatly bunched in a small receptacle on the corner of the desk.

Ryan picks up the white object....

Ryan: "This...."

"This is your typical bathroom toilet paper holder."

"They come in all sorts of designs, all sorts of colors. Today we're working with basic white."

Ryan motions to a particularly large pile of tape...

"This is that wonderful invention known to man as....video...tape."

"Today in our arts and crafts time, we're going to be visually demonstrating how I feel about what most likely was on this tape."

"You see...I received this in the mail today. However, upon noticing that it was labelled as the latest bit of wit and wisdom from Mr. McRatrick I chose the preferred method of dealing with it for any truly sane person."

"I broke it open without viewing it."

"Thus, we are brought to this juncture in which I will show you all how to properly place toilet paper onto the roll."

Ryan begins to visually demonstrate as he speaks...

"What you wanna do is thread it ever so gently so that the paper rolls over the top like so...never from the bottom."

"Now we simply...."

Ryan leads the cameraman into an attached bathroom....

"...click it into place like so...and voila...."

"Now fortunately I had some burritos for lunch. This will of course allow me to test out a theory of mine."

Ryan starts to close the door between he and the camera, but quickly says...

"I'll spare you the visual..."

The door closes, but the camera remains on.

After a few moments of waiting and a hummed chorus of 'Singin in the Rain', the door reopens and we hear a flushing of a toilet...and a frowning Dan Ryan....

"Well damn...now that's disappointing."

"Apparently it's not quite suitable for wiping my ass with...."

FADE OUT....